| I spend time these days trying to turn every man-made object into something from nature.
Grocery stores are huge caves with stars inside.
I hope everyone is keeping well. | comments: 8 comments or Leave a comment   |
| The following things increase hunger:
work
boredom
stress
alcohol
high sugar food
food
sleep
consciousness
running
walking
cold weather
warm weather
tepid weather
muggy weather
rainy weather
snowy weather
stormy weather
stormy weather the song
blinking
typing
posting to live journal
checking email
leaning about halfway back in your comfy office chair
looking at the clock
realizing how far away lunch time is
going "ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGHHHHHHHHHHHH" inside your head
and that is about it really. | | comments: 25 comments or Leave a comment |
| Went out again, and almost forgot to post, but anyway, here I am. I tried a new bar (not hard to do) after orchestra practice so it was around 7:30...The bar was almost full except for a few seats at the end. The bar-lady asked if I wanted a menu... but I didn't really want to eat at the bar...I don't think I will ever do that acutally. I just got a pint of not-light beer. I talked to the guy next to me for a while...but I wasn't being positive about it, so he came off as a bit of a dullard... though he did seemed like a nice guy... almost proof that nice guys are not particulalry interesting...I then decided to go sit outside as the weather was nice. However, things had turned cold, so after about 20 minutes of reading I drained my beer, paid up, and left. Basically learning that bars have more people and are more friendly later at night, something later than 11 p.m. at least for the city of Raleigh...
I think I am starting to tire of the bar thing, it is good to kind of get used to being more extroverted, but honestly. Maybe I should take that creative writing class... | | comments: 10 comments or Leave a comment |
| Well, in a daring display of courage I am starting to go make an effort to "get out more" just like everyone always told me to. So I am trying to keep note of all my outings here, as a sort of accountability.
I went to a cafe last night and had chai tea... it was one of those cafe places though so my tea had sugar in it, and maybe even cream!??! Sigh, I just wanted a straight cup of tea, so I will probably not go back there.
As you can tell by now, nothing remotely interesting happened. I just got my tea in a nice porcelain cup, at least, plugged in my laptop and surfed the web for a bit... it was still more entertaining than being at home alone though, so it wasn't a complete loss. I came out smoke stale though... booo! Anyway, I am still going to keep up this effort of finding a nice place to hang out.
Have a nice day. And I mean that. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| I was really debating to go out tonight, it was cold and I had just come back from a 4 hour dinner party with family, so going out seemed like it would completely tax me and my introvert like personality.
Still I persisted, I didn't want that heavy/sick/drunk feeling from the beer, but I think colas and soft drinks are worse for the health, so I finally settled on a light beer, which is essentially water.
The first bar I went to I decided to scout a bit. So I walk around the place and look in and see people I sterotype into "Rednecks"... they all have dress shirts on, and gel in their hair, and they have jeans, and hands in their jeans and they seem to be hopping from one leg to another. I walk around it, come back to it, look at it from a safe angle, decide to leave, walk to my car, but then turn back. By this time I am cold and I just want to walk into a warm place. I walk in and take the closest seat I can find. 5 girls on the right, 2 guys on my left. The two guys seem to be animated, one has a pony tail and is pretty drunk. The other has glasses and is a nerd like me, both are older. The drunk guy keeps on making comments about girls like "OMG look at that ASS" and tapping the other on the shoulder "Did you see that? That is why I lick, when we go to the titty bar, I am going to lick" I shudder (no I REALLY shudder) visibly. He kind of laughs it off. Say what you will, but I don't think I will ever be a guy that likes to discuss a girls ass, or anything like that, all that talk just makes me cringe, I am not like that. Turns out drunk guy is a guitar player... "do you play guitar?" He asks, and I show him my nails, Right hand long nails, left hand short, he understand immediately, "classical" he says... turns out we hit it off, he even buys me my beer and then leaves! That seemed crazy, but it was kindness from a stranger and almost made me cry driving in my car! (I am not joking). HE dropped a ciggie and claimed he would pick it up on his way out, but didn't..before I leave the bar I pick it up and leave it there, hoping to brighten someone's day. The other guy said I had a British accent, that made me all proud and happy too! :D
So I hadn't even bought a beer yet, I thought it must be a lucky night, I will try another bar.
Anyway, by now I am pretty cheered. I go to another bar in downtown and just sit at the bar drinking my light beer, some other people are there, several people say cheers as they get their drinks, I look down and see an earing, turns out it is for a girl who just payed, she says thanks, and I pat her on the back, I don't know what I do this, it seems odd, but everyone seems to be friends.
Then another guy comes, he asks about the rugby players, where are they? I mention one was just there... then some silence... then I ask how long he played, he says he used to play in south africa, I say I used to play rugby in Bulawayo and well, turns out this guy went to the same school I did in Zimbabwe! His mind is blown, so is mine... well a bit. But I must say, my introversion was really flairing up. The problem with chance encounters like this is that it feels there should be TONS to talk about, but really, there is hardly anything to say. Then Zim guy turns to me and says "There is SOME NAME she is a local news caster for NBC17 or something, she is hot, hold on hold on" then he winks... she is signing autographs outside, but then she comes in, and Zim guy introduces me, they are friends, and he relates our coincidence. He buys her and her friend (the sports girl) a drink.. he pushes me to have a drink (at his expense!), but I refuse..more from guilt than anything, but also because I kind of want to get out of there. News girl is really nice though, she is from new york and wants to work her way back... seems to be that way in a lot of places... she was still very nice though...she said I looked young, I returned the compliment... but I just felt so tame and boring... I said things like "So you are a news caster..hows that then?" ... This is my level of interest with people pah! Anyway, some other guy comes over and gets her attention... it is fine by me, but I really should have tried to join that conversation too...just to listen and learn. Anyway, sports girl put her beer down and says how filling it is ... "I am drinking light" I add helpfully, she smiles and nods and starts to turn back to other guy convo "This is the first time I am drinking light beer " I say... this is my convo skillz! She smiles and repeats a catch phrase from a comercial "Great taste, never fills you up" Ugghh awful, she then smiles and turns back, by this time Zim guy is busy with 3 blond ladies, and I am sort of back where I started... my beer is gone and I figure I have had enough for one night. I am obvious back in full introvert mode.
I get Zim guys number and give him mine, I tell him we will have dinner sometime. We shake hands a couple times, I say by to news girl, but I have already forgetten her name, I just leave and don't say by to sports girl, I guess it is just too embarassing at this point, but now I think I may have been rood.
On the drive back home I look in my side mirror and memories of Zimbabwe come back to my mind...except it is not just Zimbabwe, but the plane trips from there to America and back...knee high socks and hanging around in the airports in Frankfurt, flying lufthansa and going to see the cockpit... I remember my brothers on those trips, and my family...I don't know why, but it seemed to bring us together...more than anything else.
Despite all the coincidence and ease of talking to people, I don't think tonight was a lucky night, I think a lucky night will be when I meet someone and we talk for an hour with no problems, and then exchange numbers... yeah... that's it... | | comments: 10 comments or Leave a comment |
| So, I was thinking maybe it was time to compose something, put some words together that try to define the reality of the past few days and here I am. Basically, I have been thinking a lot of getting out more, have the whole introvert/extrovert debate, or is it that I am just shy? Or do I bore too quickly? Or maybe I have not been looking at those face to face interactions from the right angle. The problem with the internet is that you get use to being able to click away when someone does something you don't like, and conversely to dwell on things they do, that you do like.
I went out to a free session on stress management that the gym I joined was giving. I don't really have stress, it was more just for the outing, and to test some of the concepts I have read on becoming more extroverted and so on. It was a good thing I don't have stress since the talk was really only tangentially related to stress, and was primarily an advertisement for the chiropractor giving the talk, and also an advertisement for the gym we were all already members of! Good times. One for the books, I am glad I am turning over a new leaf.
Anyway, it doesn't really bother me. I have tried joining a whole bunch of other clubs before and never really fit, but I realize now I just didn't try enough of them. I forget that a basic rule of life is that there has to be a whole lot of loss before you find the right fit. 99% of species go extinct, that is a lot of trial and error my friends! And so I am going to adopt the same philosophy with clubs till I find one I like. I don't really mind anymore, and the experiences in-between are fun anyway, and make for good stories later on.
To adventure then!
 | | comments: 6 comments or Leave a comment |
| Shopping on a Monday night is a rather dispiriting thing. The shops are mostly empty of customers, and the parking lots, always copious in America, are mostly empty too. It lends everything a feeling decline and one does not have to imagine too much to see the stores becoming derelict.
Inside is even worse, all the customers are off kilter in bad ways, wearing fashions from the 1980’s, baseball hats, many of them seem to have scars… In short, it is not a glamorous crowd that goes shopping on Monday nights….
Granted the environment, tonight was particularly harrowing as I had a tenacious computer problem (lame I know), and to save a lot of details it basically involved my computer dying, at least two returns of items that did not work, and the order of two items which were absolutely useless. Then, tonight, a resultant visit to two stores, before I finally met my salvation at my last stop.
My salvation was to be a sales assistant at a local computer mega-mart, having an afro and rather grown out goatee, he had the sort of face that hinted at perpetual joy, and a total absence of fear or guilt. This was a person that never watched T.V.
“Can you help me?” I said. “Is this your cart?” he replied as he was emptying out an abandoned cart of its items…no doubt one of the Monday night customers had decided to go be creepy elsewhere. “No” I said “I am looking to convert my old ATA hard drive to SATA” I said. “Oh” he said, a grin lighting his face “You da man, aren’t you?”..and then he walked off confidently, and I followed. Much discussion followed from there as to what I had to do, but I want to say this, he was competent, he was bright, he looked alive, he made it seem like he was waiting the whole night for someone like me to come along, so he could finally help me sort my computer ordeal out. He was like a light on the ignorance that had caused me such pain, he was like a cold beer at a dance competition, I wanted to hug this man, I wanted to take him out of this retail hell world, and into my world of tended office grounds, and cushy office chairs, and so much downtime you can read blogs. Later he told me that he had a day job at the post office, and this was his night job. That is when I caught on that he worked just for moments like these. He was the retail savoir, the last of the competent sales assistants in a world of ignorance and apathy. This guy actually cared. Our conversation ended, my problem was solved, “you da man” he said with a grin as he walked away, he really said that. No, I thought, YOU DA MAN! | | comments: 21 comments or Leave a comment |
| I went to Hemlock Bluff Nature Preserve today. Replete with mini-museum, education center, and gift shop, the place is a complete marvel of democracy, aiding in the re-election of some ailing politician before sinking into curious obscurity. It is a park with all the pretensions of being in an actual place, when in fact it is just a sectioned off piece of forest, like anywhere else here. Actually I take that back, it does have the quality of being a nature preserve, and by nature here, I mean copper heads. (For those of you who don’t know, copper heads are the only other poisonous snakes here, besides rattle snakes.) I know this because one of the employees at the place told me about the frequent citings of copper heads on the path before I entered…I really regretted not taking that swim like I was thinking about… Which brings me to my first point: Why is it when there is a moment of indecision in life, the choice you make will be re-enforced in a negative manner? Choose the skim instead of the whole and the milk will be bad, take the car instead of walk and you get into a mad traffic jam, go for a walk instead of take a swim, and there will be poisonous snakes all over the path…. You know what I mean?
Anyway, I walked the path, eyes glued to the floor, getting scared by squirrels, trying to come up with a snake preparedness plan that wasn’t principally based on screaming and running (etc…) I did have occasion to leave the path early, and the idea was tempting, but, for reasons unknown, I pressed on. This brings me to my second point: There is some madness, some absurdity, in all peoples’ decisions that occasionally causes them to choose a path of self destruction when safety and comfort are just two steps away…
In any case, I managed to walk the whole park without seeing a copper head (thankfully).
So after looking again at the museum, education center, and gift shop in equal measures of disbelief and bewilderment, I checked the cracks of my shoes to see if any baby snakes had got wedged in-between, reassured myself that I am not paranoid, and got in the car to drive off, promising not to return until a very, very, very cold day. | | comments: 7 comments or Leave a comment |
| Lately I have been asking the question:
What is it that makes a good blog?
1. Is it presentation?
2. Length?
3. Content?
4. Wit?
5. Originality?
I guess some would say yes, but even being original, a blog can be mundane...
Maybe it is more making a connection, reaching for understanding through minor personal tragedey that we all experience on a day to day basis. I think the fact that the tragedy is minor is important... if it is major, than making it appear minor will be important. If it can't be made minor, than unusual metaphors/humor should be used.
Random events and thoughts should also be thrown in from time to time.
What are your thoughts?
What makes a good blog? | | comments: 14 comments or Leave a comment |
| 
I love finding photos like this. Photos with so much nostalgia and beauty you could swear that it had to have been a part of your life at some time or another. | | comments: 5 comments or Leave a comment |
| I don't know why I am hesitant to update, it couldn't be the weather, maybe it is some other subtlety? I guess I had a thought, basically it is to take each day/moment as an opportunity to try expand my understanding of the world around me, not so much to be hampered by fear or anxiety, but just to move on with genuine curiosity that would alleviate boredom... and I suppose it is somewhat ironic that fear of forgetting this idea is what prompted the entry...
Dammit, that is boring, but I am not going to think about that much now, I have lost that certain flare that effort in writing creates (not to be so pretentious as to say I ever really had a hold on writing).
I feel like I should have some other anecdote to share, but I just don't... | | comments: 6 comments or Leave a comment |
| So I am updating now because I don't really much like the last update that I had there.
These days I tend to be in perpetual distration, I forget what I am doing, and leave things half done that way. I am afraid I will let something slipthese days, I am almost to the point of just blurting out all those things you usually think but never say. That is what distraction is, accidental fearlessness.
Other than that, I am happy for all the beautifully creative people. Thank you. | | comments: 12 comments or Leave a comment |
| I felt sick
I felt sick but I kept running, running with my overcoat on.
Across familiar streets, there was that hot sticky air about me and I felt like I had been punched in the stomach ten times, like someone had dropped ten big rocks and they had his the bottom of my stomach, but I kept running all the same, I had waited for her at the restaurant, and she didn't show up, I had... too much whiskey, and she didn't show up, and I threw up from it, I washed the sweat from my forehead and I started running, I didn't care anymore......
I am tired, I am tired of people
self centered people
people that hug ignorance,
and make it a way of life,
I just... just can't stand it much anymore
before it used to be humourous, but now the gravity of it hits me too much, the desire to ignore all the mystery, I can't understand it, or tolerate it much anymore... and the self centeredness of it all, the lack of understanding, I want that caring, I want that kind of hang, the ability to say someone's name, "Hey Bill" ...
.............
....... "Yes" .......
..........
and then let that yes hang, let the space of it hang, and say... "oh nothing" and have it be alright, normal, welcomed ........ there would be some selfishness there, but not the needyness.............. | | comments: 3 comments or Leave a comment |
| I now know what to do
I now know what to do
It's true
and now, now that I know what to do, I feel
I feel a bit too disapointed about it all
a bit too powerful about it all
like a lobster that's gonna live forever
and never be fried in butter
a bit too disapointed about it all
like a blue sky gone pink | | comments: 12 comments or Leave a comment |
| I have just finished reading Stephen King's "On Writing: A memoir of the craft" and found it to be surprising how powerful and enjoyable it was...I think it got to me more than any other book I have read in fact, I hate to say it, but I did almost cry a little at one part.
I suppose one can wonder why I would find the book so powerful, so intimate... yet as a book on writing I also think: how can it not be? This is a book where a person talks about how they have worked, improved, tried to perfect their ability to deliver reality, life lessons, through words they write down. The attempt and tecnique of writing says a lot about a person, really the fabric of what makes up our conciousness, our realities.
This is something I wanted to touch on anyway, as I feel I am drifting more and more out of touch with reality, whatever that curious phrase is anyway... that is pretty much typical blog bullshit I suppose, but I mean it... I feel like I have a lot more moments of introspection these days, where I say to myself "What the hell is this? What the hell am I doing here? How did the universe start? How is it millions of trillions of atoms have all come to this over billions of years?" usually, for some reason, this often happens to me at a urinal... but I guess it is more than that, it is also at meetings, or when people drop by to talk for a bit... it's general affect is to make me apathetic, at least to the consequences of what is at hand, yet curious about the larger mystery of things.
I think I will take another shot at articulating this entry again sometime, but for now, I am going to a meeting, I can hardly believe it also... :/ | | comments: 19 comments or Leave a comment |
| I had my visit to the dentist today. It is always the debate of whether to go for the check up, or wait for the rumored blinding pain that would have you be very happy to be sitting in that chair. However, since I chose the check up route, today was complete terror.
There you are, tilted all the way back in a chair, a bright light in your eyes, while someone you have only just met orders you to open your mouth and ... starts the scraping.
In my experience these people are always nice looking ladies, maybe it is because they all have their hair tied back, I don't know, but it sure makes you wonder why someone like this decided to devote their life to scraping teeth. Also, why have they decided to put on the radio station that plays things like the gogo dolls, or phil collins? This always happens to me too, the same songs, there must be some vibe, some order about this kind of music and scraping teeth that will forever be lost to me.
So now you have to contend with this light, the scraping in your head, and this music. The first thought that comes to mind is what could be worse? You realize you have considerable trouble thinking of something... fed to lions? nah, eaten by a whale... nah ... desterted in antartica..hmmm... nah ... given 100 injections in the back.. that is it! Bingo! Just when you have found this out, your resident teeth scraper decides to pull out an example of what she has been scraping off of your teeth. There infront of is a metal hook, the kind you imagine, they use to gut fish with. She proceeds to explain to you that the yellow material on the hook is all the plaque buildup on your teeth "this is where the microbes are, try to brush more against the gums" you note this, but are still a little distracted by the mixture of red you notice on the hook, ahh well, nevermind the scraping has started again.
So now, what is this plaque, what are these microbial organisms, and why do they like eating my teeth? As she scrapes away, you begin too feel a kind of conection, some deep primeval connection that these microbs are meant to be there, you want them there, you want them there a lot more than the scraping.
Somewhere along the line, and for no reason she decided to take a break to ask me where I was from. I didn't feel like talking, so as abruptly as possible I tell her I am from the west, the mountains...she takes this into account and says, as if to purposly answer the question everyone asks "my husband and I just bought a place in the mountains and we are thinking of moving there soon" ... so that is why she does it.
After about two enternities, when you have replayed the whole evolution of every species in your head twice, she finally stops, and moves on to brushing a paste on your teeth with a mechanical tooth-brush.You lay back there wonderring how many microbes are having the worst natural disaster in years, they are getting wiped out by the thousands, whole cities of these microbes are being distroyed... you reflect on this thought, and almost immediately realize how jelous you are of these microbes, you want trade places with them, you REALLY want to trade places with them. You want your whole life to be eating away at bits of food in people's mouth until you wear away little holes in their teeth, or get wiped out completely. This all makes sense, what does NOT make sense is lying back in a chair and having your teeth scraped.
I will spare you the story of when the dentist came in, it is too painful. | | comments: 10 comments or Leave a comment |
| Before anyone starts reading too far into this entry, I just want to state that I am going to now use this journal more or less as a journal to record and remember an idea I had today... It is an idea I got today listening to Feynman 's ideas on miniaturization, and I wanted to keep track of it. It is an idea, it is a far fetched idea, so be warned.
Basically the thought that struck me is the level of miniaturization out there today... what has been created in terms of storing data, or creating incredibly small machines. According to Feynman, most of it occurred from eliminating unnecessary space... but also most of it occurred from the fact that there were no physical laws stating that it could not occur. That may seem pretty dumb, but people had to make a mental leap of faith that the encyclopedia britannica could be written on the head of a pin, and after Feynman's challenge, it became possible. Building on that kind of thinking, why would it not be possible to shrink humans down to a very small level? All humans are made of atoms, and atoms are made mostly of space.... in any case, it seems to me that there are no laws out there to definitely say it cannot happen, or to say that it can happen, it is still a very open question. Just leaving that possibility out there, it can lead to many charming thoughts... what if the world could be shrunk to the point that all the cities and infrastructure and people as we know it could live, say, on a single flower petal... There would be a change in scenery, but everything else we need to survive would be there, in fact, it would be much easier. The whole global population would need a fraction of its current need for energy, food, space... etc... it would solve a lot of problems... and what real differences would we notice in life? There would be a difference in scenery but what else? Still the same air, the same sun, the same houses with the same t.v. screen, and computers. I being extremely tiny, and having everything else extremely tiny, it would not be that different of a life... extraudinary thought in my opinion... I know that may be pretty far fetched, but take into account that right now you exist as a mass of atoms, and you are standing upside down on a ball that is spinning around a bigger ball of hydrogen, that is constantly exploding, and you are at the bottom of a fluid called air (only slightly less dense than water relative to space) and tell me it is really far fetched. Anyway, if the miniaturization of a civilaztion does seem like a crazy and impossible notion, it would at least be good getting the physical laws and reasons why. :) | | comments: 13 comments or Leave a comment |
| Oh mah stahz, is it ever so hard to find a Google Whack.
Yet, it is strangly addictive and amusing to see just how many results you can get for combinations of words so fundimentally lacking in lucidity.
Results 1 - 10 of about 199 for fluorescent proselytizer
Results 1 - 10 of about 610 for cosmic clamming
Results 1 - 10 of about 18,600 for intergalactic broccoli
18,600 hits! Not even close!
In other Paul news, cynicism made gains on apathy today, though apathy is expected to make a comeback in late afternoon trading.
That gives me an idea:
Results 1 - 10 of about 472 for apathetic clamming
Not even close. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| | Somehow in this entry I wanted to capture the nostalgia I have for the escape a garden afforded me as a child. I got the feeling watching sound of music, the scene where Liesl leaves the dinner early to go meet Rolfe, and they go singing in the gazebo. It was just the scenery of the path leading to the formal lawn and garden that made the memories come flooding back, of the times I would leave my parents dinner parties early and sneak out with some other kids, to play hide and seek, or catch, in the back yard.... There was always some sense of mystery in the garden, some sense of everything being fresh, the air seeming cooler and cleaner with the onset of dusk. There was the element of mystery, in finding new plants or animals, but at the same time, there was security in knowing home was close by, and this was really familiar ground. There were little favourite spots I could go back to in the garden, places no one else really knew about. It was a mix of exploration without risk, I think that almost gets lost. I also now realise that there was more of a genuine appreciation, the shear joy, of collecting rocks, or leaves, or interesting pods. It seems to be the sort of thing that has taken a back seat as I grew older... it is a cliched conclusion, so cliched in fact, it might be why I hardly consider it enough anymore... | | comments: 6 comments or Leave a comment |
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